Life is Finite

Yesterday at 5:00pm my Father passed away.

It’s weird to type those words. As of right now I still think I’m in shock. I knew it was coming. He’s been sick all summer and most of the past two years it was only a matter of time. But to think about the fact that he’s no longer here is a hard thing to process.

I spent most of the day yesterday in bed. I didn’t even change into fresh pjs. My body had uncontrollable shakes and waves of goosebumps. I’ve never experienced physical shock before. My chest was tight most the day and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much.

I had my favorite pair of fuzzy socks on and was wrapped in my blanket. What I call a sad burrito when I’m in this state. It’s usually the only thing I don’t want to be touched and I don’t want to talk. I will eventually, but right now it’s not the time for me.

I’m still struggling with processing everything as are my brothers. We’re sad and we’re all responding in different ways. Which is to be expected. My heart was broken yesterday and I know there’s going to be a long road to make it whole again. Honestly, it’ll never be whole again, because a small part of me died yesterday.

I still have a lot of unresolved feelings when it comes to my Dad that I’m holding on to. I know I need to get them out so that I can move on. But at this moment in time I’m not ready.

Last night in one of my crying fits I was looking through all the cards and post cards I have held on to the last few years. I was hoping to find one with a message from my Dad in his handwritting. I unfortunately have yet to find one. I think I might have threw them all away in an angry rage. I know I haven’t checked every possible place yet so I’m holding on to that. I don’t know why I’m grasping on to this or why this specific thing is what I want right now, but I’m desperately trying to hold onto something.

Life is finite. When you’re young you think that nothing bad can happen to you and that you’re unbreakable. Then something like this happens to remind you that you’re not untouchable.

Do me a favor, hug your Dad today and tell him you love him. Those moments fade fast and time changes in the blink of an eye. It’s proven that to me this year.



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7 thoughts on “Life is Finite

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  1. ” I was hoping to find one with a message from my Dad in his handwritting.”
    Boy there must be something universal about this. I looked through every stick of paper after losing my dad. Every file on his computer. I came across a few things of value and squirreled them away. Touchstones can be very important.
    I recently reread the book “black and blue magic”, which is a book about fathers, among other things. At the end the main character has an epiphany that transcends the writing on the page, for me anyway. He experiences a profound loss, and is left with a single piece of something to hold onto, a totem he could keep locked away in a box for the rest of his life, and he immediately gives it away.
    It’s out of print now but it’s a fantastic book that has played an oddly large role in my handling of loss. Maybe it will help you to read it, it’s by a brilliant author named Zilpha, and I’m sure you can find it on amazon or whatever.
    Don’t forget that time is forever fixed in the universe behind us, and that humans have a special ability – I just saw it in another beautiful blog post – this saying that we have the magic ability to enjoy a rose in the winter. We have the unique ability to create reality with our perception of it, and that’s a gift you’ll always share with someone, even after such a loss.

    Liked by 1 person

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