Losing All Motivation, How Do I Get It Back?

Have you ever had one of those days where you’ve lost all motivation?

Yeah I had one of those days yesterday and it seems to be looming over into today. I have a lot I need to do, but the motivation to do it has disappeared. I’m hoping with in the next hour I get it back.

Since moving back home my biggest project I have yet to accomplish is cleaning my room. That sounds mundane, but right now my childhood bedroom is borderline hoarders status. I have things in this room from high school all the way through College. Since I didn’t really live at home while I was going to college my childhood bedroom became a dumping ground and storage unit.

Now you all should know this is uncharacteristic about me. I’m normally really neat and organized. In fact I think my room being in this current state might be what is making me break out in hives. (I’m half kidding…I have a lot stressing me out in life that’s causing them.)

I’m currently in this weird state though. My room contains past chapters of my life. So many memories. Some I’ve forgotten. Lots I really don’t want to relive and some that I’m sure will bring a smile to my face. I know I’m not alone in the process. I have other friends who are actually in the same situation as me or have been. I think for me the hard thing about it is timing. I didn’t want to do it in May because I was still decompressing from graduating. I couldn’t do it in June because I physically wasn’t here. Here we are on July 11th contemplating why I haven’t started.

This isn’t me or my room. . . But it’s similar.

Really what it comes down to is I don’t know where to start. I look into this room and I feel lost. I don’t like to waste things. Especially perfectly good things, but often times my cleaning style is to throw a way things. So I’m in this dilemma. I have things I’ve out grown or no longer need, but I don’t want to throw them a way if someone else can give it another life. Which is where lots of boxes for a yard sale and donations is well overdue. Seriously, I have clothes I haven’t touched in over 5 years in my closet. Along with shoes. I’m known for collecting books. I love to read and I have so many books that no longer fit on a bookshelf I began stacking them under my window. Not to mention all the school stuff I no longer need. . .Then you add in everything I had from living in my apartment. As you can see it’s all a little overwhelming.

I haven’t really gotten the chance to think of a plan of attack in order to tackle this project. I think the other thing holding me back is I don’t like to hold on to things. So sorting through my stuff I’m going to have to really think about if I want to keep something or if I get rid of it will I be mad about it for letting it go. I know this sounds like hoarder-ish tendencies, but it’s not I promise. I prefer to have less. I guess the easiest way to go about this is to think about what I want to keep with me out in apartment and what I’d feel okay with packing into some boxes to go into an attic or storage unit.

I can do this. I know I can. I just need to start somewhere. Maybe once I can get my room in line I’ll feel a sense of order and like I have my shit together. Like I’m taking a step in a direction. Unlike right now where I feel directionless and completely lost.

I like clean. I like open spaces. Right now you can barely move through my room there’s so many containers. (I’d take a picture but it’s slightly embarrassing for me.) At least my stuff in the containers I know are some what organized in a way that makes sense. Like I said all my stuff from when I moved out of my apartment is in my room. I never unpacked. I’ve just gone to the plastic container and found what I was looking for.

Maybe this is part of the problem. . . I still haven’t unpacked my stuff from moving out of my apartment. I think part of me is afraid if I unpack then I won’t leave North Carolina and I don’t want to be stuck in North Carolina. I’ve got to get over that though. As of right now this is where I am.

I’ve been holding back getting another job around here due to my parents wedding in a few weeks. No wants to hire someone who is going to leave for a week. So my plan for after the wedding is to get another job to have some form of a cash flow.

Charlotte also always has a concert or national tour rolling in and out. I plan on contacting the local IATSE crew to get on an overhire list. I don’t want to join the union I just want to make some extra cash. Plus I’m really good at someone telling me to something. All these gigs are unloading or loading a truck, or hanging ligths and such. All skills I have and honestly probably more qualified than half the people who normally are on the overhire list. No offense to any one. I just know of people who have also worked these types of gigs just to see the show for free after and they had no idea what they were doing.

I’ve gain some motavation now from writing this or maybe it was the coffee I drank earlier finally kicking in! Just as I was able to declutter my mind it’s time to declutter my life as well.

Drop a comment below if you’ve ever felt unmotivated and what you do to change it. Or if you too are struggling with sorting through your own clutter.




Spider-Man Homecoming

I haven’t really told the WordPress world this yet, but you should know I’m a total nerd. Yes, you all know that I’m a theatre nerd, but what you don’t know is I love Star Wars! Actually my entire family loves Star Wars. . . Seriously my parents are getting married in 3 weeks and the theme is Star Wars. I came to the realization today that most of the clothing I own has something Star Wars related and I’m okay with that.

This post isn’t about my love of Star Wars. No, It’s about my love for the Marvel universe. Most people know about my obsession about the Norse God Thor. I have always had a love for Thor. He’s my favorite Avenger. I’ve enjoyed an Iron Man movie here and there, but Thor will always be my favorite. I can’t wait until the new one comes out!


I recently just went and saw Spider-Man Homecoming. Honestly I thought it was going to tank like every other Spider Man. That’s mean to say I grew up on the Toby Maguire movies. However, I think Spider-Man Homecoming is the closest to a comic book story and honestly is the best.

Yes, I know there are multiple different Spider-Man series. This one is a personal favorite. I was worried that this wasn’t going to be good. The Amazing Spider-Man I walked out of. I didn’t care for the way Andrew Garfield portrayed him. However, Tom Holland in the Spider-Man. Amazing!

First he started as gymnast. So everything you’re seeing on the screen. All the flips and acrobatics he’s doing. Mad respect for that. The boy trained for like two years for this role and it shows. He can also act, which is quite the treat for us these days. What a true a talent. A performer who can act and perform all his own stunts. Tom Holland as a 15-year-old, sophomore genius was believable. Honestly, the 21-year-old actor (yeah, he’s 21!) makes you believe he’s younger than he really is and not just because he looks it, but because of his vulnerability on the screen.


This Peter Parker I think is more loveable for audiences because he isn’t sad. He’s actually really funny. His brains and never give up attitude makes you want to root for him. In the other Spider Mans Peter Parker is a photographer. Here he’s just a kid who has  a brain. You see him create his web. Which is true to these comics.

I was worried when I had read that Tony Stark was going to be his mentor in this movie. I wasn’t really sure how the Iron Man story line and such was going to work. I actually really enjoyed it. There was a nice balance. You see Tony Stark become more like a father figure to Peter Parker. Which is a great development with the Iron Man character and the arch within all the Avenger movies.

Another surprising factor in this movie was Michael Keaton. You don’t normally see him in the light as a criminal/villain however he did a fantastic job. You want to hate his character because he’s the opposing force in this movie. However, he makes you really like his character because of the real-ness. Maybe that’s a kudos to the writers than Michael Keaton. You really understand where his character is coming from and why he’s doing what he’s doing.


I’m really excited to see where the Avengers go from here with the addition of Spider-Man. I can’t wait for Spider-Man movies and see him mature and grow his story line. If you haven’t gotten a chance to see this movie I highly recommend you go and see it. You won’t be disappointed.

Comment below your thoughts on the movie or any of the nerdy topics discussed.


All I Want is a J-O-B… Says All the Twenty Somethings Out There

Alright so something has got to give.

As many of you know I graduated from college in May along with lots of other twenty somethings across the country. So I know I’m not alone in the let’s get a job game. Whether its in the arts, marketing, communication, whatever you majored in, if you have just graduated from a college with a degree you’re probably feeling it right now.

I’ve talked with a few friends in different areas who seemed to be struggling with the job market just as I have been. Which makes me feel better, because I know I’m not alone, but at the same it also really sucks!

If you read my blog religiously or at all you know that I’ve been freelancing. I’ve chosen to go this route so that I could keep my options open. Since for me I still don’t know what world I want to sell my soul to. (That’s not true. I want to sell my soul to Cirque, but that’s another story at another time. .) I actually mean sell my soul, because once I start working for a genre there’s kind of no turning back.

It’s why last month I worked a dance recital and why since I’ve come home I’ve been working with Bella Love. A small local entertainment company. Who’s mission and vision for bring arts into Cornelius I believe and support 100%. Actually this company is doing great things! I’ve worked with them on and off the last 3 years. To the point now where I’m actually friends with my bosses who own this company. Which is an amazing feeling, because the respect and want to hear my opinion on how we can improve events, the quality of events, and such.

Unfortunately for me, though this company is only 7 years old and has been growing fast, as well as, bringing the community together, the amount of money that I get paid for each event is nowhere near enough for me to sustain myself on. Which is why I’ve also been supplementing myself with other jobs such as baby sitting and such. None of which I want, but need.

I actually had an amazing conversation last night about how the Cornelius Arts Center that’s being built soon is still being laid out. A lot of what the arts council and center want to achieve are things that Bella Love, the company I work for now, has done or already done. The problem is they can’t keep moving forward with the steam they have without funding. It sucks that everything comes back to money, but it’s the truth. Right now Bella Love functions as its own entity. We produce our events with the help of local business sponsors and sometimes the help of the parks department. Like I said this new arts center coming is expecting this company to continue doing what it has been the last few years, which just isn’t substantial.

The end result of this conversation was we need to figure out a way to get local government funding so that we can expand the company and quality of the events we produce. The issue we’re running into is a numbers game. When you have a company you should always have documentation of pretty much everything. This is the number one thing that has been frustrating me this summer. This company I’m working for has a terrible documentation system. When ever I want to know how we pulled off an event in the past so that I can figure out how to improve it. We have nothing on it and I have to start from ground zero. It’s just in everyone’s heads. If we had all of this information written down somewhere it would be a lot way easier to prove to the government why they should help with funding. Which in return could create more jobs (As in a job for me!) But I digress. . .

With each conversation I have with a friend who’s recently graduated we all come to same conclusion. A 4 year college degree doesn’t mean much anymore. The job market isn’t really conducive at to fresh out of school graduates. Before someone comes back at me with a negative argument you should know my friends and I aren’t being spoiled millennials.

We’re not expecting a high paying job at high level in a company. We’re not stupid we understand how the real world works. We know that you have to start at the bottom and work your way up. Honestly, most people I know have no problems with doing this and actually want to. The problem we are facing is the fact that there are few opportunities for us to start somewhere. We’re not expecting to be handed a job or for something to land in our laps.

I know that everyone has their own path and that things happen for a reason. Eventually things will fall into place for us. It’s just highly frustrating when you’ve sent nearly 45 applications, gotten about 9 interviews, and countless rejection emails. I personally keep my rejection emails as a way to fuel me. It’s my motivation. So that when I do finally land something I can look back at these emails and have the last laugh!

The other frustrating thing is I know lots of people who have degrees in various things who are currently working as a server, bartender, or cashier somewhere, etc. who get talked down by the people they are currently servicing. I haven’t really experienced this, but it blows my mind that some people have the nerve to do this. Just because someone is working a minimum wage job doesn’t mean they’re lazy, they have no motivation, or whatever other negative connotation that’s attached.  They’re most likely working that job because they need some form of income and they’re probably working two or three other jobs just like this.

The other thing is it’s not uncommon for people who freelance in the performing arts industry or really any industry to have multiple side hustle as a way that’s supplementing them. We all have bills to pay, debts to repay, and other things. However, asking someone in my field to work for free is insulting. I’ve been asked to Stage Manage or work an event as a volunteer before. As someone who has a degree and knows that with this unprofessional work you’re asking me to do for free. . . Is most likely going to require more of me than the normal quality of work and professionalism I’m used. Yeah, HELL NO I’m not working for free! I wouldn’t ask you to do my taxes or whatever it is that’s your occupation for free. So don’t assume I’d do the same.

This is how I make my living. Yes, it’s art. Yes, it’s my passion and I chose to live my life this way. No, I don’t plan on getting a real job. . .This is a real job.

I know this is probably annoying, but it’s a frustrating time for me and other people my age. We’re lazy if we don’t have a job and we’re lazy if we have a job that’s minimum wage. When the reality is we’re not being lazy at all! I guess for now all I can do is keep applying and interviewing until I get something.

Until then you can find me behind a bar, being your barista, working retail, or as your child’s babysitter. Here’s to all the twenty somethings with a side hustle trying to make in the world! Heads up.

Comment below if you’re feeling the same way, have some words of wisdom, or whatever.

– Bre-nana

Relationships Are Hard.

I’ve mentioned in other posts I recently broke up with my boyfriend. It was a mutual thing and did not end on bad terms. In fact we still talk pretty much everyday. Part of me wants him to read this post and the other part hopes he never does. I guess we’ll see. . .

See the thing is him and I are in two completely different places in our lives. There’s nothing wrong with that. At the moment he just moved back to Asheville, adjusting to the move, and is planning on starting school again. As for me, well I’m kind of floating right now. We both have a lot going on in our lives.

My reasoning for wanting to breakup is our relationship changed. Once we both moved away from Winston-Salem our entire dynamic changed. I noticed it when I was saw in May for my graduation party. Something just felt kind of off. I attributed that to meeting my family and friends for the first time. Which I don’t blame him. My family and friends are intimidating. We continued on anyway seeing if we could make things work.

This past month in June I went through a lot of emotional turmoil. I’m still emotional a mess right now in my life. My Dad’s situation is a lot to deal with. I personally am not one to let out my emotions. I tend to avoid them or keep them bottled up until I can’t anymore. Neither are very healthy and I know this. Which is why when I initially left for New York I told him this is how I handle difficult situations. He had told me he wanted me to lean on him for this, but I don’t think he really understood what I was going to need. I didn’t even realize what I was going to need.

There were lots of moments throughout the month of June when I needed him physically and emotionally. . .physically we were in two different places. I knew that wasn’t possible. Emotionally all I wanted was for him support me. Call me or answer when I called him. I just wanted to have a person to talk to that I didn’t have to keep it all together. I thought I could do that with him. There was some other things that came between us this past month as well. I think emotionally he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship again. I’m sure he felt like he was. Honestly, I don’t blame him. He went through a lot with his ex-girlfriend.

At times it felt like for me I was in a relationship with myself. Which I have no problem with being alone. I’m actually pretty good at it, but at this moment in time I wasn’t. So I shouldn’t have felt like it. There were weeks where I realized if I didn’t text or call him first he wouldn’t have at all. That wouldn’t normally bother me, but the situation I was in I needed that. I needed to feel that connection and it was lacking. The entire month of June I felt sad and alone. I knew I wasn’t alone because I have some amazing friends who never let me stay in a dark place too long. However, I felt like I was missing something and it was him. It might not be fair to him to ask or need that. If that’s the case then I apologize.

I remember one night after a hard day at the hospital I had been talking to my boyfriend about everything that was going on and he just wasn’t really getting it. I could tell he was trying, but all I wanted was him to wrap his arms around and hold me while I cried. Since I knew that wasn’t going to happen, because we were 9 hours away from each other. I was at least hoping to hear his voice as some form of comfort. He ended up falling asleep on me which had been a reoccurrence throughout the month and honestly throughout the past few months. I had just finished telling him how I was upset, sobbing, and hyperventilating. Nothing he wasn’t there for me. Luckily one of my longest best friends called me and she let me just cry until I was done.

I’m not mad that he’s a sleepy person or what not. Some people can’t help it I guess. It’s just frustrating when you tell someone you’ll be there for them and then you’re not. . .It really let me down. I get that he had to work all day, but at the end of the day (9:00pm) I wanted to be able to talk to him for at least 15 minutes so I could get out whatever is that was going on. It just never really happened though.

Everyone I’ve spoken to about it or really anything I’ve been through with my Dad throughout June stopped what they were doing to talk with me and be there with me. My best friend who’s in Florida use to call me after work which was at like mid-night just to check up on me, but the person I was in a relationship with couldn’t do that? It just didn’t feel right and honestly I couldn’t imagine doing this to anyone let alone him. I don’t really get it though and I guess it’s something I’ll never truly understand.

I’m not a perfect ray of sunshine either. I thought 4 months ago when we got into a relationship it seemed like a good idea. I think I might have been blinded. He’s a great guy whom I’m attracted to. He’s sweet,  he likes the way I think, he’s incredibly kind, and I love his dog. How could I not want to be in a relationship with him?

We had a great physical relationship too. It wasn’t weird and we were both comfortable with each other which is important. Really it wasn’t a bad relationship. It just started to feel more like we were friends instead of together. Although I can’t even really say that because I have exceptional friends who really care about my well-being. Not that he doesn’t. He just has a different way of showing it. It’s just hard to move past that when in a romantic relationship. Especially because it’s important to me.

All this being said I still love him and a part of me always will. It hurts that he doesn’t understand why I got frustrated, but I’ve got to let learn to let go so that we can be friends. Awhile ago I said to him I think he’s special and is meant to be in my life forever. I wasn’t sure how or in what capacity, but that we’re meant to be a part of each others lives in some shape. I know this sounds crazy, but I truly believe this. Theres a few people I’ve felt this was about and so far it’s been true. But I defiantly think we crossed paths for a reason.

At the end of the day I think we both made the right decision for ourselves. Relationships are hard. I mean all types romantic, friendly, and family. Here’s to growing and learning.



4th of July Weekend

My parents have recently gotten on a camping kick. I never thought that’s something they’d be in to, but they love it. It just so happened that one of my best friends lives 10 minutes down the street from where my parents were planning on camping this weekend. I happened to make plans to see him this weekend.


So Friday we packed up the car and drove the 2 hours to Raccoon Holler in Jefferson, North Carolina. We arrived a little after 8:00pm and had to set camp up in the dark along with the rain. It was quite the adventure. We then met up with some family friends at their camper (talk about glamping!). We sat around the fire laughing and drinking. It was a good way to end the night. My Mom, Step Dad and I made our way back to the tent. I snuggled into my sleeping bag for the night. Theres something relaxing and recharging laying in the tent. Listening to the pitter patter of the rain.

At about 5:30am we all woke up. Mostly because my Step Dad wakes up at the ass crack of dawn every day. Mom and I just had to pee. So it was an adventure in the dark to the bath house so we could relieve ourselves. After we walked back the parents wanted to make some coffee. I watched the sun come up over the mountain. By then it was 6:00am and I wanted to go back to sleep for a couple more hours. So I did!


When I woke up again I had some coffee made in campsite. We went to see if our family friends were up and about. They weren’t yet. So we explored the camp grounds. There was a small “lake”, it’s actually a pond. There were fish in this pond. Strictly catch and release. For some reason I really don’t like the idea of catch and release. If you’re going to go fishing you should keep whatever catch. . . unless of course it’s too small. I don’t know I feel bad for the fish. We ended up walking back up to our friend’s campsite. They had finally risen. We began snacking and enjoying some Bloody Marys. Because what else do you do on a rainy Saturday morning?!

My best friend and the dude he’s currently dating came to pick me up from the campsite. We drove into the town of Jefferson. This weekend was it’s annual Christmas in July festival. Anyone who knows me knows I hate Christmas. I’m actually the Grinch. Surprisingly though this festival was just your typical small town street festival. It really didn’t have anything to do with Christmas. This town is known for selling Christmas trees in the holiday seasons. Which is what this festival is celebrating. It’s heritage.

We walked through the town to the different stages. We watches some clogging. Then caved into buying Gyros and fresh lemonade. We then walked up to the park that sat on top of the town for a quiet place to sit and eat in the shade. I just so happened to have a flask in my back pack. (I like to come prepared!) So my best friend and I spiked our lemonade with some tequilla! Go a head judge me, but it defiantly made things a lot more fun! We eventually met up with my friend’s parents. After watching the kids bounce around the bouncy castle and contemplating if I was going to sneak in to join them. I didn’t.. I really didn’t want to get arrested. We ended up at the Tavern, which is a restaurant in downtown Jefferson. It was hot and time for Margaritas! We escaped the sun’s rays on the top deck with cool drinks. After some funnel cake we left to go home. We then sat on the back porch and watch as their neighbors shot off some pretty spectacular fireworks.

The next day I woke up at my friend’s house to a biscuit from Bojangles. My favorite! We sat on the front porch swing drinking coffee, eating our biscuits, and plotting our day. I was slightly fried from the day before. Fair skin, slight gingerness, and lack of sunscreen equals sunburnt! We end up deciding to hike Elk Knob Summit. A new trail that neither of us had been on. I was up for the adventure. I currently broke up with my boyfriend (I’ll write about that another time.) and right now in general I’m feeling lost in life.

Whenever I feel lost and need to gain some clarity I usually hike to the top of a mountain. There’s something about walking up an incline, sweating and being one with all the nature around you. It’s like meditation for me. While hiking to the top of a mountain I’m distracted. I usually focus on my breath and pace. Along with my water intake. Every now in then I stop and smell the flowers, or in this case I stopped and photographed the flowers. Which has been awhile since I’ve had my camera out shooting something just because I feel like. Being behind a lens felt great!

The view from the top was worth the hike up. The flies may have drove me nuts, but the breeze and scent of honeysuckles was well worth it. After we hiked down I felt better about where I am currently in life. I may keep getting rejected from everywhere I keep applying to but I’m keeping my head up. After the hike we went back to my friend’s house. We had stopped at Food Lion before so that I could pick up some pound cake and whipped cream for dessert. (There was strawberries at home) We arrived and there was salmon and veggies on the grill. My friend and I both took quick showers and set the table for dinner. The glaze on this salmon was to delicious. Seriously the perfect meal after hiking all day.

When we finished dinner I began to clean up. Everyone kept telling me to stop and that I’m a guest. . .For me it’s entirely way too hard for me not to help or do the dishes. I’m weird I love to do the dishes. Also my mother would kill me if I didn’t help clean up after dinner or at least offer to help. We all then took our glasses of wine a played a couple of rousing games of corn hole. Which corn hole is apparently like beer pong in that everyone has their own rules. So for me their house rules were if it bounces off the ground it doesn’t count. . .This is literally how I get any points ever. So i started just trying to swish it into the hole. It failed most of the time, but the few times I happened to make it in my team won. So it was a worthy method.

The next day we tried to go tubing down the river. However, we got rained out. We were all bummed out at first, but honestly I didn’t mind the rain. It was really relaxing to hear and smell the rain. My friend and just sat on the front porch swing listening to the rain and drinking coffee. Once it let up I began my journey home.

This weekend was needed. I haven’t seen my best friend since May. (That may not sound like a long time but believe me it is..) We have both been through a lot in the past month. So it was healing to be around him and his family for a few days. Not to mention a great way to distract myself from everything that’s happening in my life. Like I said I got rejected on Sunday from a job I really wanted and then another rejection email on Monday. I feel really discouraged, but I know something will happen eventually.

Today to celebrate America’s Birthday the family is doing a low country boil and I’ll be making some upside down pineapple cake. I have so much to be thankful for. I’m going to continue to enjoy the time I have with my family and enjoy the rest of my summer.

Have a safe and fun 4th of July everyone.

– Bre-nana




Interviews. . Necessary but the Worst!

Yesterday I had a phone interview with the Alley Theatre in Houston. A friend had sent me the lead that they were looking for an Associate Stage Manager (Production Assistant). So here I was jobless and looking. I read the description and did my research. Even reached out to some friends I haven’t spoken to in a while just to get an idea about this specific theatre.

Apparently after my findings it’s pretty amazing. There is 2 theatres. The outside of one looks like castle. That’s super cool. The Alley got its name because of where its first location was, which was in the back room of an old dance studio. You apparently had to walk through some brick hallway in order to get there. Thus the name for the Alley was born. This theatre also has its resident ghost, supposedly. . A director was murder in the 80’s by a security guard. (Reasons to always be nice to security guards. . . They know where to hide the body and how delete the surveillance footage.) But what theatre person doesn’t like a good ghost story about where they work. It alludes to the ever so romantic Phantom of the Opera.

I learned yesterday in the interview that not only do they produce straight plays, but they produce workshops and readings. So there are lots of opportunities to work on new works. Which I’m excited about. I was also excited to hear that this position was paid hourly with the guarantee of overtime. That there would also be opportunities to work with other Equity stage managers besides the 4 that are currently on staff. I’m a big believer that you learn more from doing and observing than you do in a classroom. I know personally for me each stage manager I’ve work with teaches me something new or different. I can usually gain a new perspective from them.

I haven’t been this excited about a job prospect and real long time. I want this about as much as I want to tour with Cirque du Soleil. (Which is what I want to do with my life so that’s a big deal.) I was asked in my interview yesterday “Your resume shows a lot of diverse work what do you actually want to do?” Which is such a hard thing for me to answer. In this field everyone is specific. You’re either a dance SM, an opera SM, or a theatre SM, and it’s because each one requires different talents, but also they have different unions which means a different set of rules. In hindsight I should probably revamp my resume. At least my narrative one. So that when I apply places I can tailor it to the specific area. I think my brain was still in school mode and I was thinking this shows off my diversity in different genres. Who knows maybe it helped me to stand out.

I’ve been thinking about this question all year. What and where do I want to be? So I answered her question honestly. The truth is I have so much dance experience, because I started out as a dancer, and when I went to college I got put into the silo of dance. I love dance and it will always hold a special place in my heart, but it’s not what I want to with my life at the moment. Although, if given the opportunity I will do it, because I’m good at it. (This past month the job I worked was a dance. . .) Opera was fun while I did it, but I struggled reading music and I don’t think I’d be as successful professionally. The end goal for me has always been that one day I want to work at the National Theatre of London. It’s where War Horse and other shows were created. I’ve fallen in love with that place even though I’ve physically never been. As stated above the other dream is to tour with Cirque. However, getting into the Cirque world has proven to be hard and when the moment is right it will happen. Right now though I think my path is leading me back to theatre.

Which leads me to other questions I was asked. I got asked why the Alley? I bit my tongue so fast and thought about my answer for a couple of seconds, because my gut reaction is well I need a job and it’s not in North Carolina. (My lovely sarcasm…) Normally in interviews I’m not as filtered, but because this was over the phone and I wouldn’t be able to gauge her reaction I decided to have better judgement. The answer I gave and the truth is I applied to the Alley because I want to get out of North Carolina and experience some place new, but also because after hearing and doing research I think that this opportunity would help me to grow not only as a person, but challenge me as a stage manager. There’s also something about theatre that makes me feel like I’m going back to my roots.

I got asked what my favorite plays are and why I love theatre. I haven’t really thought about this in a while. Two of my favorite plays are Our Town and Angels in America. Thinking about these I remembered how much I love plays. I love plays and theatre in general because they reflect life. So do movies and books I suppose, but there’s something different when a story is being told live. The human connection is so unique, which is why I chose to work in live entertainment instead of film or television. There is no editing or pausing. It’s in the moment. There’s a rawness about it.

Angels in America is one of my all time favorites because I think Tony Kushner is a genius, but also because of the relevance of the political under tones in this work. Not to mention the lines in this show are thought-provoking on life. They make you question yourself. Which to me is one of the reasons I do theatre. Our Town by Thornton Wilder is a favorite of mine because it’s a classic. It’s a glimpse into American lives of the early 1900s. It’s simplicity is why I love it so much. There is no set, the only props are tables, chairs, and ladders. It’s meta-theatre style makes it so that the audience has to use its imagination. This is so important in a society where we are constantly told or shown something with out the chance to figure it out for ourselves. I feel this play forces the audience to use their imaginations.

For me phone interviews are the hardest. No one really likes interviews, but I personally think that over the phone is the absolute worst. In person is obviously the best and Skype is second. One of my special talents or secret skills is I’m a people person. I’m great at reading people and a room. So in person and Skype interviews I’m more comfortable with, because I can read the body language, as well as, feel the vibes the other person is giving off. (Yes, I just said vibes. Get over it.) This is a little harder to do when it’s over the phone. All I have to go off of is the tone of voice and silences. Overall I think it went well. Defiantly not the best interview I’ve ever had, but also not the worst. I feel good about it.

Sunday I find out about a second step or if they’re passing on me. I really want this position and opportunity. It’s been some time since I was nervous and excited at the same time about a potential job. I’m trying my best to remain positive about this. I was talking with a friend earlier that because I think it’s a perfect fit for me, and because I really want it, it probably won’t happen. I have no problems being optimistic for other people, but when it comes to me I’m actually the worst. I also think that publishing this now is going to jinx me. . . **Knocking on wood!**

Anyway. . . I’m keeping my chin up and telling my doubtful thoughts to, excuse my colorful language, fuck off! Feel free to write in the comments below about experiences interviewing. Both good or bad.

Thanks for reading!

– Bre-nana

Driving a Manual is Fun They Said. . .

So as part of my trip to New York my Dad had given me a car. Not just any car, but a 2008 Scion xB, which just happens to be a manual. Your girl doesn’t know how to drive a manual…

Last night I had my first try at it with my Step Dad. To say it ended badly would be understatement. It defiantly ended with me in tears. I had major flashbacks to first learning how to drive. That’s a story for another time.

I was already nervous about getting behind the wheel of this car for multiple reasons. Since we found out I was getting this car everyone has had a comment about whether I’m capable enough to drive the damn thing. Specifically my parents… Now normally my Mom and Step Dad are supportive, but for some reason neither one of them wants me to keep this car. It’s been suggested to me repeatedly that I just trade it in for an automatic and or a Honda, because it’ll be easier to drive and my Step Dad will know how to fix it if something goes wrong. I find this reasoning to be stupid. The car is in perfect condition, breaks pads just replaced, tuned and everything. (My Dad treats cars like how you should but most people don’t..) The car also has like no mileage for it being 10 years old. Oh and it was FREE.! If I trade it in whatever used car I end up buying I’m sure I’ll have to throw in to cover the rest of it and I’m broke as a joke right now.

Besides all of this I want to learn a new skill. I’ve always wanted to learn how to drive a manual. I’m surrounded by friends, including my current boyfriend, whose cars I can’t drive, because I don’t know how to. Which makes thing difficult at times when I’m the only sober one… (This rarely happens who are we kidding.) But really on a serious note I want to learn something new. It’s a useful life skill.

Back to this 1st driving lesson. My Step Dad took me to the middle school down the street because of its big empty parking lot. (Again, flashbacks to learning how to drive.) He explained to me the clutch and different gears, as well as, the actual technical bits that’s happening within the car, because I’m a visual and tactical learner these things help my brain connect. Everyone has warned me that learning how to get the car from a stopped point into first gear is the hardest part.

For those of you who don’t know picture this: when you put the key into the ignition and start it up the engine starts to spin really fast. Well the clutch is pressed all the way down to keep it from touching the engine, because the transmission (all the gears and such) are what makes the car move. So you have to get something that’s not spinning fast to meet just right with something that is…and when you don’t the car shuts off or better known as stalling out. Which is no fun for anyone. (The above explanation is a simplified and dumbed down explanation. I am no way an expert. So take it with a grain of salt. . .)

I practiced a few times pushing down the clutch and changing the gears with the car off so I could get a feel for it. Using your left foot goes against everything your body knows and associates when you’ve only ever driven an automatic. I started the car and gave my first try of getting the car to move into first. I got it to happen with a huge lurch forward. I had given too much gas and was too slow at releasing the clutch. The thing I foresee about learning how to drive in this specific car is that my gas pedal is slightly sensitive and I still need to learn where my bite point is. (Bite point is when the engine and transmission meet…I might have watch a bunch of How To videos on YouTube last night.) The art of driving a manual is learning the perfect balance between letting up off the clutch and adding gas. It’s training your feet just the right amount of pressure for each.

We tried this a couple of times driving around the parking lot. Stalling out a couple of times. With my Step Dad talk yelling at me. He wasn’t exactly yelling at me but his tone was very serious, which made me feel like he was frustrated with me.

Thus the tears. After stalling out the third time and my Step Dad saying everything I did wrong I began to cry. I was extremely overwhelmed and frustrated. For those of you who don’t know, or in case you haven’t caught on I’m a perfectionist. I don’t like to fail. At anything! I was sitting there nervous trying to remember everything I was supposed to do, trying to listen to my Step Dad, and trying to feel the car all at the same. I felt this weird pressure like I wasn’t understanding it fast enough. That might have just been in my head, but the last few months of everyone saying I’m not going to be able to do it or making jokes about how I’m not that coordinated was ringing through my head.

My Step Dad immediately apologized although he doesn’t actually know why I was upset and we switched places. As we drove back home with the radio blaring to fill the silence I was steaming. As I got out the car he tried to apologize again, but I wasn’t really in the mood to talk about it I just wanted to cool down. The words out of my mouth were “We might as well just trade it in since that’s what you guys want anyway…” Then I walked a way into the house straight to my bedroom.

Like I said before I don’t like to fail and I get frustrated with myself when I don’t get something right away. However, I never give up. I started talking to friends who ended up making me laugh and feel better about everything. My best friend who seems to have everything come easy to him told me it took him a week to learn how to get the car to move and he drives like a pro. It’s seems like everything that happened to me is similar to everyone else who has ever started learning to drive a manual. It’s a tricky skill  to learn.

What I thought was going to be a fun opportunity to learn and spend sometime with my Step Dad didn’t go as expected. I didn’t think when I sat in the driver’s seat that I was magically going to get it. In fact I expected it to bumpy and slightly rough. I was expecting us to joke and laugh about it. Not a critique of everything I didn’t do or I did wrong. Believe me I already do all that in my head and don’t need help with that part. For me it would have been helpful to hear what I did do correctly and encouragement to try it again. (Yes I’m talking about affirmation and feelings. . .I’m a millennial get over it!)

I haven’t gotten a chance to really talk to my Step Dad and explain things. I feel bad because I said I didn’t want to learn anymore with you to him yesterday. Which I think might have hurt his feelings. In the moment it was true, but I don’t actually mean it. I’d like to give it another try with him so that I can feel comfortable enough to practice on my own. I do have a friend who’s offered to teach me and my second Mom (my Mom’s best friend) has also offered to spend time teaching me. I plan on taking both of them up on their offers. It can’t hurt right?

I’m going to figure this out. It’s truly a test of practicing some patience with myself and for me to actually belive in me for once. I got this. I know I do. I may be clumsy at times, but I’m more than capable of having coordination and figuring this out. It just takes time, practice, and some hard work. Also the comment about not having coordination is bull shit. . I’m a Stage Manager. My job literally requires me to do like 5 things at once perfectly the same way every time. Learning to drive manual is no different.

Remember to believe in yourself today in whatever it is that you’re struggling with. You got this!