We’ve had quite the rocky relationship this year. . .
What started with hope and excitement changed rapidly throughout the year. I remember last New Year’s Eve celebrating the end of a rotten year (your ugly twin sister 2016) with some of my closest friend. We drank and smoked just a little too much to ensure that all our pains from 2016 were numb and just enough to bring us excitement of a new year!
2017 you started with a phone call from my Dad at 12:06am. The first time I’d heard my father’s voice after his lung transplant. I remember sitting there in the backyard, the cold winter air nipping my cheeks, as warm salty tears poured down my face. Little did I know that more of those salty tears would be poured across my face. . .This conversation last 10 minutes. My Dad’s voice comforting as I lied about crying. I hung up the phone that night with hope in my heart.
I started our relationship off broken and bruised from the year before. It’s not your fault those feelings were left over. After all they do say that time heals all wounds.
I took this picture exactly a year ago today. The caption when I posted it said “2017, I’m taking you by storm!” And I did! You put up a good a fight, but little did you know who you were dealing with.
I spent the beginning part of this past year focusing on myself. I was surrounded by some of my favorite people, I was back at school, I worked on amazing shows, and I was at peace with the ongoing war inside me.
A sweet boy and his dog wiggled their way into my heart. The relationship I had with him was exactly what I needed at the time. Looking back now I realize we were together because he needed me. The universe brought us together to show each other love is possible and to inspire each other. We may not have been a perfect match romantically, but through the relationship I gained a special and hopefully forever friend.
By May I was feeling on top of this world. I graduated with a BFA. That’s still weird and crazy to me. A piece a paper to unlock all my dreams and something I’ve worked endlessly for the last 4 years of my life. It doesn’t seem like I worked that long, because 4 years felt like 4 minutes.
In June I spent the entire month with my Dad. He was in the hospital. This is when I realized I’m stronger than I ever thought I had to be. I’m grateful you gave me this opportunity to make peace with my Dad and for me to just be with him. I spent most of this month trying to contain my emotions. Processing what was happening around me and realizing that ultimately the situation was bleak. That my Dad was most likely going to die sooner rather than later. Watching someone be consumed by a disease with no escape is no easy feat. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. I didn’t have to witness this. I didn’t have to spend an hour and a half each way to sit in a hospital for 6 hours. But when you love some one who’s dying you put aside your own needs to be there for them.
With the end of June coming I said my last goodbye to my Dad with my brothers in the room with me. “Goodbye Dad, I love you. Get some rest and get better soon! I’ll come back to visit when you’re home.” His eye stared into mine watery as mine were. We both knew he wasn’t going home and that this was it. I kissed his forehead and walked away. A single tear rolling down my face. I headed back home in a stick shift car I had no idea how to drive. . .
I eventually learned how drive the stick shift, but soon realized shifting from gear to gear in traffic sucks. And where I live right now it wasn’t the most ideal situation for me.
July came an exciting time! We celebrated my parents finally getting married. Not with one wedding, but with two! Because in this family we can’t make things simple. Wedding number two, the cruise wedding, was an adventure. With all the fun and excitement came some family drama, because we can’t have nice things. I guess just another moment of you (2017) fighting back and reminding us “Hey, you all look a little too happy!”
The dog days of summer left me with way too much time on my hands and lots of rejection letters. I still manage to keep my head up. I was still on a high from adventuring with my best friend and getting him ready for his tour. The end of August came and my entire world was flipped upside down.
I took a chance a decided to meet this guy I had been talking to on and of for a month. We met and some how we clicked instantly. We continued seeing each other as the summer weather cooled into what we call fall here in the South. I fought my feelings for him every moment with him. I lost.
A dark cloud loomed in September. This is hard for me to forgive you for, but I’m working on it. You took my father in September and shattered my heart. I spent the end of this year slowly picking up the pieces. I was in a dark place and that guy I mentioned earlier helped pull me out of it. Little does he know this. I fought my through the darkness in September and most of October.
Another one of life’s twist happened in the end of October. I ended up going to a wedding with the guy I had been dating that solidifed my fate. Neither one of realized that we were falling for the other. As my next job loomed above us and the uncertanity that we could make it through 8 weeks a apart.
I moved to Tampa for a small contract. Not knowing what I was gettign myself into. This time taught me so much professionally. Even though the entire experience was a headache I wouldn’t change a minute of it. This job taught me that I’m good at what I do. It also taught me how to stand up for myself without being direspectful.
I returned to North Carolina to spend the holidays with my family. I somehow fell more in love with the guy I’m dating. (Seriously, I’m in trouble..) I’m ending the year with my parents as we are all sick and the boy is working. It’s only fitting that I end 2017 this way.
Overall 2017 you put me through some shit and our relationship was toxic. But I am grateful for you. Without you I wouldn’t have experienced so many new things, met so many new people who have changed my life, and I wouldn’t have learned forgiveness.
2018, I’m coming for you! 2017 set off a spark in me that’s has turned into a roaring fire. This is the year I obtain dreams instead of chasing them.